Crikey that was dangerous Steve.This is funny. You can buy it from his website for $2.00 if you really want...
Written & Performed by Eric Schwartz.
Or you can listen to it here
Australian Vernacular.
Ever heard the term "Dropping like flies?"
It is in common usage in Australia and I thought it referred to flies that had been squirted with DDT or some other "fly" spray.
However I have had cause to think otherwise now. This morning I opened my office (tin shed that fits on a ute) and found that the ceiling was covered in flies.
The funny thing is, the flies were asleep... There is a strong correlation of fly quantities and heat so I think their sleeping was due to the cold temperature overnight.
Anyway I thought they were dead... I touched one and it fell like a stone to the floor where it slowly came to and walked off... I tried it with several more flies and got the same result... That was when I realised they were asleep.
So maybe that is why we have "dropping like flies"
P.S. I collected all the flies from the ceiling (very easy to do when they are asleep LOL) and disposed of them... however now that the day has warmed up I have a new population of them moved in ...
Proof the world is nuts
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female.
Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination.
He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers.
The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick??)
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than “going blind!”)
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time…
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Finally a job that's better than mine)
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband’s lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(Cor BLIMEY!)
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Kinda leads to the next law...)
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception:
Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only “in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.”
(I don't wanna be sorting their trash!)
Banging your head against a wall uses
150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times it’s own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated… from drinking little bottles of ????
(Did the govt. pay for this research??)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(And walk on crap.. Ewww.)
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish don’t have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
And, the best for last…..
Turtles can breathe through their arse.
(Do you think they have bad breath?)
The Conversion to Euro English...
With the implementation of the Eurodollar underway in Europe these last few years, the European Union is trying to find new ways to standardize practices in Europe.
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen world!
Are you smarter than George W.???
I just did an online IQ test here
I scored 133.
Didn't know if that was good or not so I did some Googling and found George W's estimated IQ (based on SAT's and Officer exams) - 120 to 125
Al Gore took 2 IQ tests and scored 134 and 133 (just outside the top 1%)
At least I am ahead of GW
:P
Some George W. quotes:
